Just a few days (and weeks) ago, I could not answer this question. I was immersed in my personal battles and wounds. It was a scary place I found myself in because I lost interest even in the little things that brought me joy like baking and following my creativity. I felt no pleasure in cooking and eating–it was reduced to a chore, a robotic function. I was also a walking storm raring for destruction because I was hurting inside and could not let it go. There was a lot I needed to declutter both physically and metaphorically.
Recently, I started opening my heart again to the truth that I am always being reminded through connections with other kindred spirits, through an outpouring of signs and messages from the Divine, through the love I receive every day, that I chose my soul journey and I am choosing to stay. Even through the difficult times when I am tempted to give up and unravel the work I’ve already done, when I don’t know what to do next, I choose to be here now no matter what now is. I commit to myself–my pain and healing, shadows and light, grief and joy, lessons and blessings. All these essential and complementing ingredients mix together and bake into a delectable Lea cookie. Or cake. Lol. 😂😂
I choose to show up bold and vibrant, with a sassy spirit and a full heart as much as I can. I am grateful for the turning-point moments when I see the light in the darkness and I find the strength to grasp on to it, to amplify and reflect it. I am also reminded of what the fierce spirit/artist & musician Nightbirde (Jane Marczewski), said on her memorable AGT audition:
“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.”
Simple but true. That’s what a soul and life journey is all about–you embrace everything you have gone and are going through, even the most challenging, heartbreaking ones–and do your best to make something good out of it every day. 🌻
P.S. While it’s a huge help having a trusted person around who supports and loves you unconditionally, I discovered that the best boost for soul growth is YOU. Learning to be a nurturing mother, cheerleader, and best friend to yourself especially when you didn’t have those kinds of loving relationships growing up opens many doors to healing and growth. You’ll find more love and grounding support than you ever did before because it flows from within. 💗
Growth and transformation cannot come from old narratives you recycle and resurrect again and again. When you pick off dead leaves from your plants, you throw them away or let them become a part of your compost. That’s a natural end to their purposeful life. You don’t change your mind and return dead leaves to your plants–dead leaves have no purpose anymore and carry the risk of infecting your healthy plants with disease or leaching nutrients off of them.
Let the old and what was rest peacefully in the past. From a new perspective comes new growth and possibilities–new doors that open to you and new paths that suddenly become available to you that aren’t possible when you stay stuck in the past.
Don’t allow dead leaves to spoil your roots and dampen your growth. You still have life left in you to bloom and grow into gifts and blessings. You contain seeds of light you can plant whenever and wherever you choose. 🌻
Affirmation: “I’ve let ____ go. Now I am in the flow.”
There are doors you need to close and they remain closed. Some you never even thought you’d get back to, but re-open only in Divine time. And then there is that rare door that remains open always. Love is an open door. Not the kind of love that limits you to one person or this world. It’s a love that embraces everything–always growing, ever evolving regardless of who you meet and connect with. It’s a love that has known but is never tainted by fear, regret, pain, shame. Like taking a page from Doctor Strange’s book, it is the kind of love that transcends time, space, and the multiverse. When everything else has fallen, love remains.
P.S. Thank you for reminding me of this, D, my wildflower soul sister. Love is infinite. 💗
“I contain multitudes.” — Zooey L’Enfant in Surreal Estate (2022)
Sometimes I forget to not get stuck in a narrative–a single story in the past which I continue to heal. Who I am, who I am becoming, what I still have to offer to the world–these are stories-in-the-making, tales in constant flow. These are the best kind of stories–like the choose-your-own-adventure books I used to check out from my school library–the unpredictable ones.
I contain multitudes–layers of stories that were already written, chapters done and pages yet to be filled. I am reminded that I am a speck amidst the vast landscape of the Universe just like all of us–made of stars dancing along the same wire that connects everyone and everything since the beginning. Within me flows the wisdom of the ages and a soul that is one with the divine. Anything is possible. After all, I am the Universe too.
I never felt magic crazy as this I never saw moons, knew the meaning of the sea I never held emotion in the palm of my hand Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree But now you’re here Brighten my northern sky —Northern Sky (Nick Drake, 1970)
Last week, I had a date with myself at home and watched Serendipity on Netflix–my first time ever to watch it 20 years after it was released. I love it! I picked up on some of the things I liked and also wrote a piece inspired by this movie.
I wondered why I, a lover of ’90s to early 2000 rom-coms missed this gem of a rom-com. Then at the part where Jonathan gets bombarded by Sara’s name and bits that remind him of her, it hits me–this movie came to me just at the right time. Somehow, the Universe knew it wouldn’t have much of an impact on me had I watched it when I was 15. Now is just the right time because it means much more to me than any random rom-com. It restored the believer in me.
Without revealing too much, these are the bits I like in the movie:
1. ice skating 2. Cassiopeia and stars 3. Kate Beckinsale –> my kinda girl–smart, witty, beautiful (Trivia: Beckinsale studied Russian Language and Literature at Oxford University and her accent is spot-on. I started crushing on her when she took on the role of sexy + badass hybrid vampire Selene in the Underworld films, which is my favorite vampire movie franchise. Edward and Bella got nothing on Selene and Michael Corvin/Scott Speedman. 😂😂) 4. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez –> a story about an epic love that survives even decades of separation, pain, and sickness (Spoiler: The lovers end up together.) 5. Sara: Favorite sexual position? 😂😂 (Jeez. I almost choked on my Lucky Me calamansi pancit canton dinner. And I’d be tripping over myself too if someone asked me that question.) 6. Waiting in Vain by Annie Lennox 7. spotted number synchronicities: 222, 555 8. Northern Sky by Nick Drake
P.S. Dear Universe, I would love to go ice-skating again sometime. I want to glide and fly and love again, knowing that even when I slip and fall, you’ve got me. You’ve got me. Always.